I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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