This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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