I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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