i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
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Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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