i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
