I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
