You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
