Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
