You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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