please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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