Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised