I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
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Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I want to be your penis for a week.
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy