meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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