I faked an abortion last night.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.