i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
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i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
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to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.