I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together