textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
