my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize