Just fell off a train. Bad.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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