I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
