I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
