what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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