my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.