he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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