I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.