Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
