in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
