it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.