she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.