Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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