I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
