Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
