Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
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My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
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