He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
