Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
