for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
