My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
