They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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