you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
