I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
