and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
