found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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