My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
