Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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