dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
