Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
