K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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