I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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