Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
