im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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