your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
