I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize