So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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