Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
