Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
