3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
