i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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