Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
