That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You are a genius and a whore.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
