woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
