I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
