So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's official drugs can't kill me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
