It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
