The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
