Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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