He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
