so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
